I was sad on Thursday. I don't get sad very often but I was sad on Thursday. Sad because once again, I was ill. Sad because once again, I wasn't winning. Sad because once again, I had to walk away from work for a while. It's no surprise to those of you that know me that this year has been a monumental uphill battle. Most of my time has been spent preparing for then recovering from an operation that went really well then...sort of...didn't. I didn't realise the bit after having sepsis would be quite so hard to get over. I didn't know that it would take this long and take this much energy. This bundled with the fact that I still haven't really had the opportunity to address all of last year's issues full on (see here) have meant things have really caught up with me.
I've tried. I really tried to get back into it all. To get back to work, to get back to drawing, to get back to life but none of it has happened because I can't quite shake my slightly shoddily assembled body out of this Post Sepsis shit storm. So I've stopped trying. Well, I haven't stopped trying, I've stopped struggling. I talked to my boss, who is one of the best men I know, and we decided that I should just stop for a bit. My eyes stung a bit. They sting a bit now because I hate feeling like I'm letting it win.
Work isn't just work these days, it's a place of normality. That's something you don't hear said about junior schools very often is it?! How can a building that is essentially a holding pen for 400 glitter covered, pencil eating loonies be in any way normal?! Trust me, since dad invariably loses between 2 and 4 of his 6 marbles on a daily basis, since medicine seems to have taken over 2 thirds of our household and since the walls seem closer than ever before, work is normal.
But just at the moment I need to stop. I need to stop and focus on getting things back on track. I'm not Superman (thank goodness, worst of the superheroes...) and I've got to do the right thing at this point in time. That right thing is building up my energy, breathing very deeply for prolonged relaxed periods and treating myself to lots of extra feed (note the tone implied with this last one).
I can count on my hand the times I've sat at the drawing board in the last 3 months and wanted to draw. I can't count how many times I've sat at the drawing board with my head in my hands wondering what I was doing there. There's usually a raft of Christmas goods to buy over in the shop and a whole host of pictures lined up for Advent but this year there isnt.
That makes me sad so now I've got to win.